A favourite spot, a few hundred yards from our home, a nature reserve where we played with our children learning about wild flowers, birds, butterflies, trees, insects, fungus ….. but ……
Missing 5-7-5
“A peaceful silence,
The Two Doctors
Together, remembering
One who is missing.”
Missing 3-5-3
“Together
The Two Doctors
Each remembering
One missing”
Missing 2-3-2
“Peaceful
The Two Doctors
Together
One not”
I wrote and published this Senryu a while back, it was one of my earliest 5-7-5 attempts. Since then I am learning a lot from Tanka Tuesday and Colleen Chesebro’s book Wordcraft. Yesterday I enjoyed the chapter showing me how to move from 5-7-5 to 3-5-3 and 2-3-2 and I’ve been trying to adapt my original. It’s a very personal poem related to our son who died 25 years ago last Christmas so the poem is charged with personal emotion. But does this come across in the shorter versions and would you have felt the same without this “spoiler”. I suppose it could have been a Haiga too? I’d really appreciate your feedback/comments. 🙏🕉
Categories: Senryu
Haiku Tanka #33 Calm in Kathmandu 
Senryu #34 Cosmic Buddha 
Senryu Haiga #33 Broken Spell 
Senryu #32:The World’s Gone Mad 
The Two Doctors 
Beautiful poems…I do prefer the traditional 5-7-5 format. Just gives the reader more context. Sending love xoxo
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Thank you, that’s been my preference so far, but the emergence of the 3-5-3 surprised me 🙏🕉
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Very touching. He will always be missed.
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🙏🙏🕉🙏🙏
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I like the first two, although the 3-5-3 one gets to the heart of the matter more effectively. The last one is just too sparse; without the first two (or your commentary) we wouldn’t know what it is about. But my hat’s off to you for doing this.
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Thank you Margaret, I agree entirely about the 3-5-3 it was the most powerful 🙏🕉🙏
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I only write in the 5-7-5 form because that’s how my brain has adapted. But I enjoyed the three different forms of yours. The 3-5-3 moved me more than the 2-3-2 – the words were just right. And the 5-7-5 seems a bit wordy when compared to the 3-5-3. So, I would say that the 3-5-3, in this case, was the best form. You’ve now inspired me to try the shorter formats. Thanks!
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Thanks Vic, I really appreciate you taking the time to read my variations and then comment. My brain works best at 5-7-5 too, but I found reducing it to 3-5-3 easy and then taking it to 2-3-2 very difficult. So, I’m going to keep creating 5-7-5 as my standard the try to use that as my inspiration for a 3-5-3. A bit long winded but I think that’s the only way I can do it. 🕉🙏🙏🙏🕉
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